


Monster

by daisydactyl



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Drabble, Female pronouns for Grell, Gen, Other, Slightly Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-19 09:47:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3605586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daisydactyl/pseuds/daisydactyl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabble somewhat based on the song Monster by Skillet, focusing in on Grell during her time in the academy and some of her thoughts at the time. (Several aspects based on personal headcanons)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monster

This wasn't right, not even a little; Grell couldn't fight the angry fire she felt rising up in her chest. Another fight, more yelling, more anger welling up inside her like a hungry beast that would devour her very soul. Did others feel like this every day? She couldn't be sure but she was certain that this was something she didn't want to deal with for another day. 

Try as she might she couldn't be that, the  _he_  that everyone said she was; no matter how much looked like it. She hated the feeling of her anger growing in her chest how it seemed to shape her every move, her every thought, everything that she was. It wasn't fair for her to be doomed to live like this for eternity. She lashed out and threw her fist into another mirror relishing in the pain that erupted in her hand when she felt the sharp edges digging into her skin and the pleasant crash as pieces shattered to the ground at her feet. 

A sinister grin spread across her face as she let the pain wash over her, it seemed to soothe the beast in her chest. She turned her head just in time to see her mother glaring at her, the look of disdain seeming to be etched onto her features. " _Clean it up Grell, I don't care what you're upset about this time but I won't have my son destroying my house._ " 

Grell turned away from her mother as a low growl slipped through her lips and her bloody hand clenched and unclenched. Her mother's earlier words rang through her mind and fed the beast in her chest with determination.  ** _Graduate with an A average and move out, once you're out I don't care what you do; but I won't be known as the woman with the son that couldn't follow tradition into collections, it would shame your father._** If that was all she had to do then she would find a way, no matter the cost; both for herself and her father. She couldn't stay here forever where she could hear the monsters inside her slithering around everywhere, not just her mind anymore. 

She raised her bloody hand above her to watch the dark blood trickle down her delicate wrist, how harshly it stood out against her porcelain skin; it was like a sign from the divine, she would find a way to set herself free from everything that raged inside her. Even if it killed her every day, she would give her mother what she wanted until she could finally leave. Maybe running away hadn't worked, but if she could she would find a way out. She couldn't give her mother everything she wanted, but she could make her believe that she was.

The anger inside her would become her fuel, the anguish in her heart would become her flame and she would rise. She pulled her wrist back down and ran her tongue up a lone trail of blood, thinking perhaps its taste would help to ingrain the drive into her heart, how its painful symbol might give life to her very soul. If she was going to live forever then she would find a way to do it her way, to live as she knew she should even if it meant giving up a few more years to her mother, living like she was something she wasn't, feeling this monstrous anger clawing at her flesh; even then she would do it. 

Her mother wanted a strong son; she worked her body to the bone until she could easily defeat anyone who challenged her but she kept her body as lithe as possible. Hair kept short? She'd cut it all off on her own instead of having it cut and styled like the boys around her. Bring a girl home?....she'd have to put up with it. As long as she could give her what she wanted she would find a way out.

The longer her life went on the greater her monster became. She didn't want to be distracted by anyone but every word anyone spoke made her feel like they could see right through her, like they were mocked her, her monster wouldn't have that. She fought, took out its anger on everyone around her, and at times herself. Blood and pain seemed to soothe it; be it her own or someone else's. 

She hated it, how it clawed at her very flesh, an anger she couldn't let go of, a hatred that consumed everything she was. Everyone said she was crazy, her talent wasted on a broken mind, but she knew better; she wasn't crazy, she was determined. She said nothing when they called her a young man, bit her tongue in an effort not to correct them. When they called her a lady, she hid her grateful flush. But when they said she was an "it" she let the monster loose. Her grin flashed over face and her eyes lost their consciousness in favor of a crazed fire as she took her payment from their flesh. 

Broken mirrors were a constant in her house; how she hated to look at her body. She coated it with scars that would all too soon disappear. She dreamed of who she should be, only for the monster in her blood to rear its ugly head and remind her that it could never be. Her blood seemed to soothe her monster; she grew to love the pain, the release it gave her. She kept her thoughts to herself, didn't say a word about her dreams and wants; but they drove her mad. She was living a lie, wearing a disguise, hiding the monster inside her with a different one. Even if everyone thought she was just a boy without her sanity; she knew she was woman driven by a need to be who she knew she was; she couldn't let herself be stopped.

**_Triple A in practical technique. B in written skills. C in ethics._ **

Just enough to pass with an A average; she wouldn't let anything stop her from achieving her freedom, her monster would be the fuel she needed. How dare they pair her with a B student, didn't they know that could jeopardize her chance at freedom!?! She fought so hard to keep the monster from lashing out, but she let it bare its ugly teeth.

How could something happen now when she was so close? How could...how could something like that suddenly make her feel like a woman? Beating her, putting her in a place of submission; that's what she needed. Her monster purred, the pain and the submission was like a treat for it – but she found that she enjoyed it.

**_Graduated. A average. Freedom._ **

Her new glasses, the first step, she was free. She left without a single word, not even a goodbye. She got a flat with the other graduates; her mother couldn't anger her monster there. She wouldn't let anyone stop her now, she would be the woman she was meant to be, no more hiding. She hadn't slayed her monster, perhaps she never would; but in this moment where she knew her freedom was absolute she no longer felt like she was being consumed by the monster. If she was not consumed then perhaps there was a still chance that she would not become the monster herself.


End file.
